Life is a box of chocolate…
One of my mentors told me years ago that it’s better to adopt sibling groups because it increases the odds of getting one that you like.
I love that because the idea of getting one that you like is in many ways at it’s core one of the many unspoken beliefs about adoption from foster care. The myth being “don’t adopt children from foster care because the children are too damaged.” The translation, they are too much work with not enough reward. There certainly is “work” but that’s where the high is and the rewards come everyday when you practice spotting them. ”Foster care has too much red tape and interference from birth relatives.” True enough but so what. You can’t get a puppy from the pound without a blood test, a medical and a ninety day waiting period. You wanna bring a stranger into your home/life forever and you don’t want think about it for a week or two? Who’s the needy one here?
It is nice when our children fit perfectly into our world and assume the roles that we ascribe to them. We can parade them around our friends regaling all who will listen with tales of achievement and excellence. They will smile up at us as we puff out our chests and feel primed for the next challenge. The fact is that adoptive and foster families cannot use the same measure of success or failure for that matter that “average” families use. Our children come from situations that are far from average; therefore we must follow a more deliberate, focused and intensified course of “normal.” We feel uncomfortable trying to force our above average experiences into average sensibilities.
Have no doubt that although our experiences are sometimes a strange kinda normal we are living that “family life” that we all dream about. Teach yourself to find solace in the inbetween times when alls right with the world. Learn to “catch” your kids being lovable and cute. The mental exercise will help you live longer as you recognize your blood pressure droppping.
Those of us who choose to be adoptive parents have to understand that we are not responsible for our children’s chaotic backgrounds. Yet we are choosing to be instrumental in helping them process the ramifications of those backgrounds. Sometime that choice is going to mean bearing the brunt of their anger/confusion and fear. When my wife and I invited our children into our lives we invited their histories and drama’s. We offered to share their burdens and to love them as best we could.
This is often easier said then done. When your life is in upheaval; when you feel that you must be on the defensive at all times; it’s hard to remember the damage of a chaotic background. You naturally become defensive and often hostile in response to the treatment you must endure. The feelings this generates in the parent can be crushing and debilitating. Yet we must try to remember that all this is our choice and in fact the true reason we’ve made that choice. We want most of all to help our children heal. We want the pain to stop and the wounds to close. Loading… Hide notes 
