Whateva…Adoption or Nothing?
Well there was a time when I was a hot headed, brash young advocate running around stomping my feet and demanding adoption or nothing. I ranted about the importance of folks coming forward and going all the way. My argument was legal adoption makes the clear statement that I am here for you/ you are no longer a foster child/you belong with me and mine. This seemed so clear to me that I could hardly stand to consider anything short of the judge and legal decree. I loved the fact that the legal adoption was a recognized change of status from motherless child to almost full fledged citizen of the world. The change is important. One of the side effects of living in limbo is that after a time it warps the thinking about self and others. Warped thinking about self and others is rarely a good thing and for foster kids with no hope of returning to birth family in any structured or sane fashion belonging no where or worst yet last class citizenship until the day they drop you like a hot rock is a recipe for disaster.
Adoption we have decided is also a mindset. A mindset based on the idea that one adult can decide to “adopt” a youngster whether they are “free” for adoption or not. The adoption takes place when the adult decides to commit to being this child’s parent. That process begins in the adult mind and need only be recognized/sanctioned by the adult. The funny thing is when you talk like a parent/act like a parent/think like a parent/ folks begin to respond to you as a parent.
What if… Patricia doesn’t want to be adopted? She’s a teen and adoption is a betrayal best left for the helpless or uninformed. What if she doesn’t want to change her name? What if she won’t take my name or call me Daddy? Why adopt a sixteen year old who’s only gonna be home for two more years? Why go through all the trouble for a kid who doesn’t seem to care?
Etc, etc, etc we need to keep our focus on the fact that what children in foster care need most is someone to claim them regardless of the status of their case.
When foster kids hear “adoption” they hear about everything that they have to give up or lose in order to be adopted. Why would anyone “want’ to be adopted?
Adults/prospective parents need to understand that ”adoption” is a mindset. I “adopt” you by commiting myself to your well being for the rest of my life. Sometime that commitment takes legal form with papers and court hoopla. Othertimes that commitment goes unrecognized by any official, sanctioning body and that’s just as real and binding on the adult. My decision to parent you is the defacto “adoption.”
