Tyranny of teasing
Guilty as charged. Recently my wife and I were considering that our baby girl is approaching 18 years of life. Taking stock of what my parenting experience has been sometime I wonder what legacy I have passed down through the different stages of my own development.
Twenty years of preparing prospective parents for the adoption of older children and countless hours advocating/seeking introspection from parents and would be parents has taught me many things.
High on that list is the mantra that whatever parents do in regard to raising their children will be “okay” so long as one remains committed. Steeped in the firm belief that homeless children(foster kids by definition) need first and foremost a functioning adult who is committed to parenting them for life. Everything else I considered nuance and as such somehow less urgent.
Now I reflect and the dust begins to settle in my world. Peeking in on other lives that I am blessed to be a small part of I am beginning to accept that the commitment piece is perhaps the easiest part of this parenting dynamic and that the real magic is in the nuances.
Commitment I submit is primarily a decision made by the adult and held as a conviction. Alas the true power of parenting and the lessons that our children will pass on to their children are relayed most indelibly in the subtle often subliminal messages our behaviors and habits impart.
Gathered together for my wife’s birthday the sniping between my 17 year old daughter (high school junior) and her 19 year old (away at college) brother though mostly “good natured” was relentless.
I have witnessed this back and forth for years and always viewed it as simply sibling banter. Occasionally a line was crossed or it escalated to the level of hurt feelings but I never really considered it a problem or gave much thought to when or where it began.
My wife accuses me of being the instigator of this behavior because I have always been a notorious teaser. She asks a simple question and it was and (to an extent) remains almost impossible for me to give a straight answer. I remember being absolutely amazed at the fact that she was so gullible in this way time after time after time. We would all disintegrate into gales of laughter at mom’s expense and await the next opportunity.
I also considered myself to be a great kidder. From as far back as when my youngest son started walking and talking I assigned him all sorts of “nicknames” that were let’s just say unflattering. My wife would warn me that those cracks would sting him later. I down played the potential impact of this behavior because my love and devotion to my baby boy was unshakable and after all I was “only” kidding.
We would all laugh and I took refuge in the fact that I was not some boorish ignorant knucklehead that was deliberately demeaning and hurting his family.
My oldest children were not saved from my barbs as I freely bestowed derisive monikers on each of them. It saddens me to realize that only one grandchild was mostly spared my “teasing” as I have learned to be more consciously positive with her psyche.
I must confess that I have been relentless in my teasing and nicknaming and generally poking fun at everyone in my home at every opportunity. Probably over the last two years I have begun to appreciate the potentially negative impact of teasing and name calling even when done in a spirit of love.
I fear that I have transferred that insecurity from my upbringing to my children and so on down the line. The first step to any type of recovery is the recognition that the problem exists. I have committed to taking steps to be mindful of the messages I transmit to my loved ones through word and deed. Consider this my public apology to my wife and children for many years of jokes at their expense.
I urge all of you to consider what messages are implicit in your sarcasm and whether the target is capable of even appreciating sarcasm at all. How much does a nickname infused with negative connotations impact a developing self-esteem and at what cost to do you highlight the short comings of someone you love.
A parent’s first job is to protect their young and part of that means providing a refuge from the slings and arrows of our modern world. “Teasing” is hurtful, mean spirited and bullying when it’s at the expense of another especially when that other is someone you love.
