The good/bad about adoption
Wanting to have a child is as natural as breathing. Trying to give birth and struggling to conceive can be an unspeakable trauma threatening families and devastating relationships. Many people are forever scarred by infertility and allow their dream of becoming parents to die a slow agonizing death. Some folks look to other areas of their lives for fulfillment turning their desire to nurture into another form of service to others. Still others turn to adoption only to discover that adoption is not the same as “having your own.”
The good/bad news about adoption is the fact that needing to have a child and wanting to parent are not necessarily the same thing; and two very different drives. People come to adoption for as many reasons as there are people and all of those reasons have value as long as the prospective adoptive parent is committed to the reality of what being a parent means. The process that prospective parents undertake in exploring adoption must be experiential and inspiring of a genuine level of introspection. It is imperative that individuals understand the challenges of dealing with infertility and the emotional rigors of parenting someone else’s child or children.
The desire to parent a child born to you and parenting the child of another are not mutually exclusive if the prospective parent is in tune with their own needs and challenges. Adoption cannot solve infertility issues and in fact can act as a wedge that neither party can adequately address.
Parenting a child not born to you while simultaneously struggling to conceive a child takes a clarity of purpose that can be difficult to achieve. It is crucial that the parent has the ability to claim the child they are parenting through whatever set backs and despite the ultimate outcome of their fertility treatment. Tremendously beneficial to the adopted child/parent relationship if the parent is able/willing to share the trials they face in an age appropriate manner with the adopted child. Like most issues in parenting the child will take their cues from the parent.
The good news about adoption is that it is parenting and when we commit to our roles as adoptive parents we soon understand that we are not second class moms/dads but first line advocates and vital supports for our children’s future.
The bad news about adoption is that it doesn’t heal all wounds, ours or theirs and that love and good nutrition is only the beginning. Adoption requires the consistent application of our best self. Our best self is clear headed and able to recognize when we are in need of a little extra support. Human beings have an amazing affinity for adaptation and resilience. When adaptation and resilience are combined with courage and sound judgement anything is possible.
Whatever path you choose open yourself to experience all the opportunities for personal growth that parenting offers. Love is a decision that we make and something that parents do everyday.
